Big Ego

Making the rounds today, I popped over to JA Konrath's blog where he had a post about pride. Joe always manages to say something interesting. I loved this snippet:

While no one likes a braggart or a boaster, and being around someone who talks about themselves constantly is a major bore, I believe that many writers became writers because of a need to show off. After all, it takes a large ego to write words down on paper and believe that others will not only enjoy them, but pay you for the privilege of reading them.

I'd never quite thought about it that way. Do I have a big ego? Do I write because I want to show off? It's possible, sure. I bet there are a lot of people who will object. Who will say, "No, I write because I love it" or "I write because I can't do anything else" or "I write for me."

Well, I can't do anything else either. Believe me, I've tried. I don't enjoy the elses and I'd really, really prefer someone pay me to write so I can do it exclusively.

I also write because I love it and I write to entertain myself. But I damn sure want the check and I want other people to read what I write and to want more of it.

It's funny how this post got me to thinking about being a show off. I'm an introvert, like many writers, and yet I absolutely love it when I do something well and someone compliments me on it. I was fiercely competitive in my academic career -- not against others, but simply against myself. I had to get the A, had to get the kudos. Life simply would not be complete (I thought) if I didn't make Phi Kappa Phi.

All the A's and honor societies in the world haven't made much of a difference in my post-academic life. But I had to have them.

So now it's writing. I really don't think of myself as having a big ego. I'm pretty easy going. I love it when my CP likes something I've written, though, and I guess there could be a big ol' monster lurking inside who believes that others will too.

Do you think it takes a large ego to write? Or does it take a large ego to want to share the writing? Is one different from the other? It's certainly something to ponder, especially for the introverts who like to stay holed up all day and can't imagine having to get dressed and go network for the sake of their words. Hmmm.

Mistaken Identities

So last night, at 2:17 AM, my hubby's cell phone rings. He finally manages to realize it's ringing, to grope for it on the nightstand, and to answer it. Finally, he says, "You have a wrong number." What happens next is kind of funny. I can't hear what the person is saying, but hubby says, "Yes you do. I'm not him."

Person argues.

"Do too."

More arguing.

"Do too."

And, finally, "Goodbye."

By now, I have to use the facilities. When I return, the phone rings again. I hit ignore and silent. It keeps ringing for AN HOUR. Not that I hear anything, but I can see the face light up again and again, even though I've turned it over. Then I hear the ding of a text message. And another one. Finally, after laying there and getting more and more pissed that someone can't understand they have the wrong number, I fall asleep.

This morning, there were 11 missed calls, two unrepeatable text messages to the effect that she hoped his sorry ass was enjoying the b*tch he was cheating with, and two voice messages that indicated a high level of either drug or alcohol induced rage. Whoever this guy is, his sorry *ss is in BIG trouble. Home girl is going to tear him a new one. In fact, I wonder if I'll see something on the news later about it.

It's funny, but sad too. This woman was pissed off and venting her rage. Yet, she was venting it to the wrong person. I wonder if her boyfriend/husband/whatever was really out cheating or if it's all a big mistake. At any rate, she thinks she told him off good, but she didn't. She told my husband off. Her man has no idea she's out to get him.

So have you ever been the victim of mistaken identity? Was it funny or scary? Could you see potential plot ideas in it?

Negativity

Sometimes it's hard not to be negative in this business, especially when you can get hit with rejections and setbacks on an almost daily basis. Keep going, wisdom says; don't give up. If you give up after 20 rejections, number 21 might have been the yes. You'll never know if you give up.

But I'm not really speaking about specific negativity here. I was thinking about negativity in a general way, and how it can affect the creative life, because of a conversation today. My parents, God love them, are negative people. They are glass half empty people. The sky is falling people. Better the devil you know kind of people. I have, unfortunatly, internalized some of this stuff. I often stick with the devil I know because I'm afraid of taking the leap and getting a worse devil.

My hubby, otoh, is about to take a big leap. It's scary, but I support him. My parents, when I told them, were beside themselves with the possible negative outcomes of this leap. It gave me a headache. It made my stomach hurt. And I started thinking about how negativity affects our lives.

You can cut negative people out of your life (unless they're your parents and you love them) and I have in the past. Just stopped hanging out with someone who was a downer. Stopped meeting her for coffee or lunch, stopped accepting invitations from her. I stay in contact with her, but I feel much better for having taken myself out of her poisonous presence. She was a sweet person, but poisonous. For every positive thing that happened, the potential negativity outweighed it tenfold in her mind. You can only take so much of that before it seeps into your skin like a miasma.

How do we see past the negativity, take the leap, and keep going? It's hard as hell. But I realized, listening to my parents talk, just how much I have that voice in my head that tries to stop me. But you know what? You gotta put that bitch in a cage and keep going. It's the only way.

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself

Self-Pity by D.H. Lawrence. Maybe a good poem to tack up on the wall next to the computer, eh?

So how do you deal with negativity, especially the internalized variety? What do you tell the negative nellies when they start to get you down?

Help, I can't look!

I realized last night that I have a problem. One I simply must push past. When I know bad things are coming, in a book or a movie or a tv show, I don't want to watch it. I don't want to continue, even when it's a cliffhanger. For example, hubby loves The West Wing (if you haven't watched WW, then a mild spoiler is coming -- be aware!). We came to it late, so we've been watching it on DVD, and we just ended Season 4 about a month ago. This is where Bartlet's daughter is kidnapped. Most people would just be dying to get to Season 5, to find out what happens.

Not me. I resisted his efforts to get me to watch the next episode until last night. And of course I loved it! I loved the resolution to the crisis, the way all these characters work together, the way the story is always told so well.

So why do I resist when I know it will be good? Maybe I'm afraid it won't be good, that somehow they'll disappoint me. Or maybe I'm afraid that something worse will happen and I just don't want to know. But if I have this trouble with well-crafted stories, both print and visual, how am I to know that I'm capable of doing bad things, really bad things, to my own characters?

I think I can, but then last night I got to thinking about it when I was resisting and finally caving on WW. Why do I want to avoid the bad stuff? Do I do it when I write? Do I make bad things happen, but not bad enough? Do I need to look deeper, think harder, and make it worse?

Am I the only person with this kind of wacky problem? Do you have trouble watching the bad parts of television shows, or reading beyond the first really bad thing in a book?

I guess maybe the lesson here is that when I'm writing, I know I have to watch for this. I know I have to look doubly hard at the bad stuff and make sure it's bad enough. Maybe it's good to know I have this issue.

What about you? Do you have something to watch out for in your writing?